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Wine & Friends, also known as Social Wine Etiquette

When I go to a dinner party is it better to bring wine in a form-fitting paper bag or just plain?

First let me commend you on having the foresight and manners to bring wine to a dinner party, you would be surprised how few people even think to do this. Do you need to place your wine in a bag, absolutely not. I have a bag full of wine bags, that I truly believe have no purpose. My advice, and I should note I go very few places without a bottle of wine including hotels, byob restaurants and dinner parties, is to give the wine to the host unwrapped (no bag). I say this for one, so that the host can recognize your bottle of wine as coming from you. I also like to give a little tidbit on the wine when I hand it over, such as I have been to this winery, we love this zin or this wine drinks like a much more expensive bottle and if you like it I can tell where and how much you can get if for. Now if you want to be super guest, bring not one but two bottles. (Hey the money you save on the wine bag can go toward a second bottle of wine.) By giving two bottles you can tell the host that one is for drinking tonight (at dinner) and the second is a gift for the host to enjoy. My philosophy here, which is quite basic, is that you are being fed and will drink wine, all of which is being supplied by the host, why not soften the financial blow and give wine that can be enjoyed that night as well as for the host to enjoy alone. If you still don't get it, if someone gave you a gift, would you want to share the gift with the gift giver? I think not.

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When a dinner partner brings a bottle to share with the table (and not necessarily at a BYOB restaurant) what is the etiquette of comping that person for their contribution. I've been in several situations from where the person wants no compensation other than the opportunity to treat friends, to the insistance that the retail value of the wine be subtracted from their share of the check.

Great question and it is very interesting that you have seen both sides of the reimbursement situation. I will tell you the proper wine etiquette for a variety of situations where a dinner companion brings wine for the meal. First if wine is brought to a friend’s house that is hosting a dinner party, then a guest should bring a bottle or two of wine (one that can be drunk with dinner and one the host can keep). This being said if the guest is not asked to bring anything for dinner, such as an appetizer or a dessert. The basic principal is that the host is treating you with generosity by hosting and paying for the meal that a reciprocal thank you gesture is in order. No money changes hands in this situation. A second situation is where a group (say two couples) go out to dinner at a BYOB restaurant, (where else would you go out to dine) and wine is brought by one person and no one else. In this situation and if all parties drink the wine, an offer can be made to compensate for the cost of the wine, i.e., 50% split. It is in better taste for the person who did not bring the wine to offer to compensate for the wine. I think it is in poor taste for the person bringing the wine to ask to be reimbursed. I say this with the thinking if you are the one always bringing the wine and if your friends never offer to compensate you for the wine you may need to get better friends. I have this problem but it relates to my relatives, which don’t seem to get the hint. If the person who brought the wine spurns your request for reimbursement then kindly thank he or she for their generosity. Now I am going to scold you for not bringing a bottle of wine. I say this because in this scenario you were going to a BYOB restaurant, which obviously will not have a wine list. I think it is mandatory to bring wine to a BYO restaurant, with the clause that you do not have to drink the wine but you will at least have the option. Now perhaps the dinner was a last minute arrangement and you did not have time to purchase a bottle and you were fresh out of wine at home. In this situation, learn from your mistake and bring wine next time. Third scenario, you go out again as two couples, but this time both couples bring wine but only wine is drunk from one of the couples. In this situation it can be proper to say that you will bring the wine next time and no money changes hands. Fourth and the worst of all situations, wine is brought by one of the couples or both, drunk by everyone, but the wine costs more than you would normally pay for a bottle of wine and the bearer of the wine wants to be reimbursed. (In this situation I am assuming that an average cost for a bottle of wine you would bring to a BYOB restaurant is say $10.00 on the low side to $25.00 on the high side.) Now the wine brought and drank is say $50.00 to $75.00 and the bearer wants to be reimbursed 50%. Tough situation, but an easy out. Thank him or her for the wine and promise to bring your selection the next time you go out to dinner. No money changes hands. Aside from these situations, I like to follow a general rule if I bring wine, which I always do, I expect the other party to reciprocate from time to time. Not every time but every so often. But when we go out, chances are more than one bottle is had and the second or the first is usually a bottle the other couple brought. I never seek reimbursement because I view bringing the wine as an act of generosity and sometimes the company of friends over dinner is reimbursement enough. I also like to control what I drink and I believe that too many bad (not cheap) but seriously low quality wines are brought and drank at BYOB restaurant, but that is a point for another article.

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